Maybe I should save this post for the "private" switch, but I have to say something. And it's my blog. So I can. Maybe SOMEONE can relate to some aspect of it.
Do you ever have days in which, you lie in bed at the end of it, and think to yourself, "I didn't like myself today."
Today was that day for me.
My weaknesses, my insecurities..everything... became awkwardly apparent to me today.
I wrote some things and said some things which now, I think of, and cry.
I am grateful for good friends who are brave enough to call me on it.
Becoming a wife, and a mother was something I have always dreamed of. But since I got married and especially since trey was born, I've felt differently than expected. (hormones probably ADD to the pot) Sure. It's a huge shock to your system to get married, move far away from friends and family, live in the country as a city girl, quit your job, have a baby etc etc all in 2 years. Some might be able to take it as a grain of salt, some might relate- but for me? It's been extremely extremely difficult.
I have everything in the world to be grateful for. I know that. This is what made me even MORE mad at myself. I HAVE NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT. Treyson is the best thing to EVER happen to me (he might even beat out Trevor haha). But, I seriously sometimes feel like I've lost who ANDREA was forever. Even some of my closest friends have noticed the change. I don't know how to get her back. But I will.
I don't know how to be a great mom, and a supportive wife and still have opinions and still make decisions which are validated. I don't know how to stay at home all day with a baby and keep busy. I don't know how to be okay with Trevor's line of work. I don't know how to make new friends in Idaho when at times it seems like no one else here wants to be friends. I don't know how to live this new, completely foreign life. A life I LOVE, but a life that is completely new.
But I do want to figure it out. I do want to be a better mom and wife because frankly, lately, I feel like I've been an okay mom and a horrible wife.
Do you ever have days in which, you lie in bed at the end of it, and think to yourself, "I didn't like myself today."
Today was that day for me.
My weaknesses, my insecurities..everything... became awkwardly apparent to me today.
I wrote some things and said some things which now, I think of, and cry.
I am grateful for good friends who are brave enough to call me on it.
Becoming a wife, and a mother was something I have always dreamed of. But since I got married and especially since trey was born, I've felt differently than expected. (hormones probably ADD to the pot) Sure. It's a huge shock to your system to get married, move far away from friends and family, live in the country as a city girl, quit your job, have a baby etc etc all in 2 years. Some might be able to take it as a grain of salt, some might relate- but for me? It's been extremely extremely difficult.
I have everything in the world to be grateful for. I know that. This is what made me even MORE mad at myself. I HAVE NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT. Treyson is the best thing to EVER happen to me (he might even beat out Trevor haha). But, I seriously sometimes feel like I've lost who ANDREA was forever. Even some of my closest friends have noticed the change. I don't know how to get her back. But I will.
I don't know how to be a great mom, and a supportive wife and still have opinions and still make decisions which are validated. I don't know how to stay at home all day with a baby and keep busy. I don't know how to be okay with Trevor's line of work. I don't know how to make new friends in Idaho when at times it seems like no one else here wants to be friends. I don't know how to live this new, completely foreign life. A life I LOVE, but a life that is completely new.
But I do want to figure it out. I do want to be a better mom and wife because frankly, lately, I feel like I've been an okay mom and a horrible wife.
I know this might seem pretty personal and "deeper" than normal for me; but I feel so strongly about these things. I just want people to know, it's okay to have days/weeks in which you royally suck (awesome word choice there huh?). And no, I don't write this to make you all feel sorry for me. Rather, I want other women to know, we all struggle at times and you are not alone. I need to know that.
I/we just have to figure it out.
Those sucky days turn into great, fabulous, perfect ones.
And that's as real as it gets.
And that's as real as it gets.
"God bless you, dear friends. Do not trade your birthright as a mother for some bauble of passing value. Let your first interest be in your home. The baby you hold in your arms will grow quickly as the sunrise and the sunset of the rushing days. I hope that when that occurs you will not be led to exclaim as did King Lear, “How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child!” (King Lear, I, iv, 312). Rather, I hope that you will have every reason to be proud concerning your children, to have love for them, to have faith in them, to see them grow in righteousness and virtue before the Lord, to see them become useful and productive members of society. If with all you have done there is an occasional failure, you can still say, “At least I did the very best of which I was capable. I tried as hard as I knew how. I let nothing stand in the way of my role as a mother.” Failures will be few under such circumstances."
Gordon B. Hinckley (www.Lds.org)
And if it made u uncomfortable reading such seriousness. Here's something to lighten the mood:
He's a dream. Even with a at times looney mom.
I'm off to spend the day with him.
15 educated comments:
Oh, Andrea. I'm not a mom yet, but I do know what you mean about having tough days as a wife. I've always been a pretty happy girl, but sometimes I just rip into Brett and I don't know where it comes from. That is A LOT of change in just two year and I think you're justified in feeling the way you do and even more so because you are trying to have a good attitude and progress. It's okay to not be the same ol' Andrea -we grow and change -as long as you are becoming a better person in different aspects. "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose..." Love you! Tomorrow will be a better day! :)
okay, I swear I'm not a "creeper" I'm friends with Jenna Vela's sister and I found your blog one a "blog surfing evening." This is just a warning that this comment will probably end up being super long. Anyway...I read your post and wish I could just come through the computer and talk with you and let you know that you are totally normal! I remember feeling a lot of those feelings right after I had my first. How long have you been married and been a mom? Not long. How long did it take for you to become the person you were before kids? I'm sure it took those wonderful teenage moments, and a lot of time. I know people think we're just blaming it on hormones, but really it's true! Your baby is only 4 months old and you're still breastfeeding so life is full of hormones right now and all this is still so new. It took me quite awhile to figure out who I was as a wife and mother after my first baby. I just had my second baby 8 months ago so I had to make an adjustment again. I'm looking back at my recent adjustment and realized a lot of my issue was lack of sleep and hormones because I feel a lot better now. I remember after I had my first I was so bored. There were only so many books I could read, rooms to clean, and "hobbies" to do. Once he got a little older and more interactive it got to be a lot more fun since I could take him on little outings that he would really enjoy. My advice to you is to just be patient. I'm trying to find who I am everyday and I think I will be on that pursuit all the time since life as a mother changes constantly as kids go through stages and more children are added to our family. I wrote a similar post a few months back when I was really having a hard time adjusting to 2 kids. http://www.blelmer.blogspot.com/2009/01/change.html. Things will get better, it just takes time. Good luck and I would love to be added to your list if you go private blelmer22@yahoo.com.
I know I don't know you, so please don't take this comment the wrong way, but I think you would be weird if you WEREN'T having issues adjusting to all of this. One of the reasons I like your blog so much is that you're so refreshingly honest! I can't imagine how hard all those changes are for you. I do know that when I first moved away for graduate school, I cried myself to sleep for the first four months because I was so lonely and overwhelmed and sad. I've only been married for three and a half months, and I have days where I'm so confused and upset because although I love my husband, I feel like I've lost myself. I think its normal. I know it will be okay. I'm praying for you. (Is that weird? I hope you're okay with that!)
This is why I love your blog!
Is it weird that I have days when I don't feel like Janessa anymore? I don't even have the big move, marriage and baby to blame it on, just overscheduling myself (with good things, but still) to the point where I don't have any time left to relax and just be ME. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I love that I get to earn a masters with people 10 years older than me, run a national alumni board, plan parties for the stake, create fun advertising campaigns...but I really miss being the Janessa who would stay up til 4am with you, Lace and Jules just being silly and having fun. I guess we've all grown up, huh...but I still think you are beautiful, wonderful, a great wife and mother (Trevor would agree I'm sure) and maybe a different but definitely a better version of Andrea. And I promise as soon as I can I'm coming up there to see you. Love you Dre.
Not feeling like yourself is probably the WORST feeling ever. and then you don't know how to get back. I'm so glad you shared that and I hope that it was thereputic for you! You are wonderful and a great wife and mother! I know you and I know you are! I just listened to President Uchdorf's talk from last October's conference and it was AMAZING. Might be something that would be good to look at? No idea. But the good news is, God loves you, I love you, and you're doing what's right so "all things will work out for your good"! I love you. I still need to visit you...ASAP.
We don't know each other. Take some time for yourself. Do you have a night or two that's just yours? Maybe schedule it with Trev or even use some of the money you saved couponing to hire a babysitter so that every Tuesday night (or whatever) you get to leave the house by yourself. Even if it's just going to a bookstore or on a run or taking a class, you need YOU time. Yes, you are a wife and a mother, but those are only SOME PARTS of who you are, and you need to take care of the other parts, too. Our identities can easily get lost in the shuffle.
You can do it. It will get better.
One of the reasons people love reading your blog is because you are so honest in the things you share. I think there would be a bigger problem if you were still the same Andrew you talk about. We are sopposed to change, and if you had not changed over the past two years i would think something was wrong with you!
I am not sure what you said/wrote that caused the regret, but give yourself a little slack. It can be really easy to be too hard on ourselves. I have just had to come to terms with some of my bratty characteristics, and it helps if i just don't try to change everything at once. As for now, I can be pretty inflexible, late all the time, critical of my hubby, inpatient, selfish, material, etc. If I focus on those things, I just feel like a bratty monster wife. It's important to recognize those things, but keep it all in perspective. I think discouragement and feelings of low self-worth can really keep up from reaching our potential as wives and mothers. If you are ever feeling bad about yourself, I promise I have done worse! Just ask Drew, when I am emotional, I can be like out of control!... My mom always said it would take someone very "special" to marry me, poor Drew! hahah!
As for the ID move and change of life-style. I think that would be a BIG adjustment, something that could take a REALLY long time, and may never really feel completely comfortable.
We had a really scary experience on our plane flight a little while ago. Sitting on the plane as it struggled to land with one of the engines out was somewhat of a rude awakening for me. We have so much to be grateful for. I LOVED President Monson's talk in this past conference where he shared the story of the young mother who traveled to UT with her four children, losing each on along the way to either sickness or starvation. Read her response to her trials. I feel like if I can develop even half of her example of faith, my life would go a whole lot better.
Hang in there!
xo,
Kat
I feel like that all the time :) Are you guys in Eastern Idaho? I go home to visit Boise sometimes, if you were around there at all we could do lunch! Why is it so much harder to create great friendships once your are married or having kids? I'm convinced it's because we don't have sleepovers or late nights with the girls anymore.
i liked this post because it reminded me once again "to find happiness in the meoment"
i'm very bad at wishing for the future to come.
ex. can't wait until landon is done with school... life will be so much better
can't wait to not have to work 9-5 every single day
etc. etc. But, the thing we have to realize is that every stage of life is hard! and if anything it just gets harder and harder as we grow older. so, don't feel bad for feeling that way. i think we all do sometimes.
we just have to each ourselves to find the joy in our lives today.
Amen girl. I love your blog for how real you are. It is nice to know that other people struggle with the same things I do! We all need to purge a little bit sometimes. anyway, I would love to keep reading when you go private. danaedd@gmail.com
You don't have friends either? I wish we lived by each other. Why does it take so long to make a friend. There are plenty of friendly, "Hi, how are you?" or "Your skirt is cute." But what about, "Hey, want to hang out? SOCIALIZE?" It gets tiring being the only one making the invitation. haha. Totally venting in a comment box. Anyway, ditto to everything everyone said. You're going through a lot and you are far from family. I think that makes it hardest, but makes you strongest.
you are so sweet.
well said andrea my dear. well said. you'll get there. we all will, one day, one way or another. i just know it.
Andrea your awesome! Don't be to hard on yourself...being a wife and mom makes you feel like your life is not your own sometimes. It will get better each day. Kids grow so fast and soon you find a place were you belong (which is were you are). Enjoy the journey...the good and the bad. Every fairytale has a happy ending! Love you guys! Our turn to have you over.
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