(In bed with the flu and trying to document these emotions....)
A dear friend of mine from our growing up days in Kansas recently had twin girls. It's been neat to see her experiences just a few weeks ahead of mine. She delivered at 35 weeks, two beautiful, healthy girls and said this about the experience (Hope she doesn't mind me quoting her.)
"I have said several times during this pregnancy (and I'm stating it here), that I do believe that carrying twins has been the most difficult and challenging thing I have done here on this earth. "
To be honest, I haven't felt this way untill the last few weeks. It's almost as though my physical body is beginning to shut down. (And I do not even want to mention the emotional drain and TERRIFYING fear I feel of having two newborns and a toddler.) I DO NOT want to lessen the pains a mother pregnant with one baby feels. Those are real. Pregnancy is never comfortable. Nevertheless, twin pregnancy is a whole new level. As I'm sure, and hope to never experience, a triplet pregnancy would be a whole new level. Sometimes, it makes me frustrated when even people I love try to compare my experiences with theirs. I know they are trying to relate out of love, but no one will ever "get it" till they go through it. Just like I can never truly understand what it's like to lose a child, or have fertility issues - till I go through it myself. (Though, I am eternally grateful for those true friends who have tried all they can to show compassion. I've really recognized true friends lately.)
That being said, I've found myself often at the point of "I can't do this anymore". Not the "wow, this is uncomfortable and I'm tired", but the point where I know my physical body can go no further. My stomach can not stretch to the capacity it needs to to hold 13-14 lbs of baby plus 2 placentas plus fluid. My hips can not handle the pressure. My back can not bend down to pick up my two year old. It's not a matter of heart or "pushing myself" - some things simply have physical limitations.
In the past 48 hours, Treyson came down with a fever, and then I got it today. Perfect timing right? I can literally barely walk thanks to nerve problems in my back and my baby is sick. I begged my husband to come home from work to take care of us, but he was in the middle of something and can't exactly leave 300 cows roaming around town. Impossibly impossible.
As I lay in bed, having a well deserved emotional breakdown, I realized something very simple. Every single experience we have in this life creates an opportunity for us to turn to our Savior.
Every. single. one.
That is the purpose.
Some of us have harder physical trials. Some, harder emotional ones.
Some might seem "easy" to others but be horribly difficult for us.
Each is unique to the needs of our Spirit.
For some reason, that thought made me feel a little bit better.
Not a lot, but a little.
Not a lot, but a little.
I know this pregnancy will end in the next weekish.
The reward will be great.
And then, a new set of challeges will come as I seek to be a sane, kind, mother of 3.
And when limitations are reached - physical or emotional, I hope I can remember to turn back to Him once again.
And, I hope to remember that what might not seem like a huge trial to me, might be impossible to another. That is an element of empathy I really want to learn.
13 educated comments:
it's funny i've been reflecting on trials, true friendships, the law of service and our savior this week as well. as andrew's trip has drawn out in to a three week one i literally find myself wanting to scream when someone has the audacity to to my face say "my husband is never home." it's probably much the same as when friends of yours try to tell you their single pregnancy is just like your twin one. on saturday i had the worst day as a mother i've ever had. it was just, the worst. and at the end of the day no friend, or people who SAY they are my friends, can alleviate or know the stress i feel like my Savior. I'm glad you have true friends to rally amongst you & a relationship with your Savior. With those two things you can get through anything. i'll continue to pray for you in this difficult time and hope you'll be relieved from all this pain sooner rather then later.
ahhhh....Love you Drea! Thanks for this post. I really am so thankful for your thoughts on the Savior. It touched me and reminded me of a few things I needed to hear. Thank you. You're right, I have no idea how you feel right now. And, since I don't, you're in my thoughts and prayers. You're obviously in pain, having a hard time with where you're at, so I'm praying for you. I can't wait to see your cute girls!
beautifully put. just wanted i needed to hear. thanks for the boost.
beautifully put is right!
I wish I freaking lived closer!!!!
great post.
SO sorry you are going through this with a FEVER! UGH! You are right, no one can possibly understand. Even people who HAVE had twins, can't totally understand your unique situation. The ONLY person that knows is Him. And because He knows, He is also the only person that can truly "succor" you.
You are loved. Hang in there. When life sucks and things are hard (esp the past few weeks with new baby) I just keep telling myself, "this too shall pass" and hang in there a little longer.
Wow. You are amazing. I am so proud of you, honey. I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling, what you are feeling nor can I fathom how you've come this far and.......... still mop your kitchen floor. I'm so grateful that you have turned to Him. You are a wonderful example to me, your mother. Love you baby. See you soon.
i think about you all the time. good luck this next little while and know that i will be thinking and praying about you and your little family.
thanks for the reminder to turn to our Savior in everything. wish we lived closer so i could help even just a little. xoxo
I love this. Something i def needed to read, w my own trials lately. At the end of the day, every trial brings us closer to hf.
I hope those girls come soon, so you can feel some relief. Praying for u.
what a great post. thanks for sharing. I agree, no one can ever really, truly "get" our trials until they've walked in our shoes.. like you said, the only other person who has ever walked in our shoes is the Savior. Beautifully put. I cannot imagine the discomfort with twins.. not at all. I also cannot imagine having 2 newborns and a toddler.. not at all. But what I do know is that non of us can imagine the trials that lie before us.. but somehow we all make it through. And honestly, in the situation of once the children come into the world, I think there is always a lot of {joy} that accompanies the hardship (don't you think? there may be a LOT of hard and trying times.. but a lot of joy too).. it's there to fall back on, that and the Lord. My heart goes out to you.. my biggest hug coming your way.. prayers too :)
This was really touching to me! I cant even being to imagine what a trial this must be! But you said things i needed to hear myself! I will keep you in my prayers and I pray everything gets better! Its women like you that are an inspiration to me!
Andrea this was just lovely! I feel honored that you quoted me :) And even though I too had twins...I feel like I can somewhat relate...but like you said, it's different for everyone. I told evan that I couldn't do it anymore a lot that last week! I'm praying your end is soon and that your mom will be there too. U r amazing! I love how you word your thoughts. You inspire me! I think about you everyday wondering if it'll be today. I can't wait to see these little girls of yours...as I'm sure you can't either! :)
Good luck you are doing great!! So excited for you and I know you are ready. Yay it will be here sooner than you know! Go Andrea!
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