Can I admit something without having stones thrown at me?
It's been pretty hard for me to bond with the twins. I love love love love them and could never survive without them at this point...but it's not been as instantaneous as I had hoped.
First off, I'm NOT a newborn-type girl. Like, I love them and think they're sweet, but give me a rough and tough, crazy, fun 2 year old ANY day. Newborns scare me. Yes, scare me. I guess I'm like a man - always feeling like I'm going to break one.
With the twins, it was this feeling times two, PLUS I have honestly spent the past 4 months in auto pilot. Just trying to meet basic needs, figure out how to function, and try not to get anyone killed - including myself. When there is SO much to do, there isn't as much time to just sit and bond. Even nursing feels mechanical for us (nursing two babies at once + small boobs = mechanical).
I've struggled b/c I want, more than anything, to feel like I really have a relationship with these sweet girls. I love them so much.
I've been thinking and praying about it a lot. I've concluded I need to spend 15minutes a day with each girl, just holding her and talking to her. This might sound like no big deal, but it's hard since there is almost always an immediate need to be met here. Plus, I have a complex and feel like if I hold one, the other will feel abandoned. UGH!
I've also decided to find one moment a day that makes all this "mom" business worth it. Some days, there's lots of moments. others there is just one. IT's REALLY helping me so I thought I would share. Perhaps, it would make your monotonous days brighter too.
My moment today? Cooking "with" the girls" and getting them to smile at the SAME time! :)
It's been pretty hard for me to bond with the twins. I love love love love them and could never survive without them at this point...but it's not been as instantaneous as I had hoped.
First off, I'm NOT a newborn-type girl. Like, I love them and think they're sweet, but give me a rough and tough, crazy, fun 2 year old ANY day. Newborns scare me. Yes, scare me. I guess I'm like a man - always feeling like I'm going to break one.
With the twins, it was this feeling times two, PLUS I have honestly spent the past 4 months in auto pilot. Just trying to meet basic needs, figure out how to function, and try not to get anyone killed - including myself. When there is SO much to do, there isn't as much time to just sit and bond. Even nursing feels mechanical for us (nursing two babies at once + small boobs = mechanical).
I've struggled b/c I want, more than anything, to feel like I really have a relationship with these sweet girls. I love them so much.
I've been thinking and praying about it a lot. I've concluded I need to spend 15minutes a day with each girl, just holding her and talking to her. This might sound like no big deal, but it's hard since there is almost always an immediate need to be met here. Plus, I have a complex and feel like if I hold one, the other will feel abandoned. UGH!
I've also decided to find one moment a day that makes all this "mom" business worth it. Some days, there's lots of moments. others there is just one. IT's REALLY helping me so I thought I would share. Perhaps, it would make your monotonous days brighter too.
My moment today? Cooking "with" the girls" and getting them to smile at the SAME time! :)
10 educated comments:
Awww... those were two of my most favorite outfits for my girls! I love reading your blog and seeing our clothes! =)
while i don't know how this feels {yet} it's honestly my biggest fear with this second baby. sometimes my heart just aches wondering if i could ever feel close to a baby like i did with quinn. our bond was so instant! i'm told it will totally fall in to place & i'm sure i'll love him the same but it totally makes me nervous!
you're doing a good job. i think you need to add to your list- at least 30 minutes of alone time for you. even if it's just locked in your bedroom with a magazine :) you need that.
I hear ya! I had a really hard time bonding with my girls at first. Since they were my first kids, I didn't have anything to compare it too, but I knew I wasn't bonding with them like I 'should'. This might sound horrible, but I think that was a huge reason I couldn't breastfeed. I tried and tried to feel the bond and enjoy it, but I couldn't. I was overstressed, under slept, and felt like a huge failure. I felt (and still feel) pretty bad about it and haven't really admitted it out loud to anyone but my husband. I felt a little better when he said he was feeling the same way. It was great because we each had a baby to hold and cuddle, but there was so much more to think about. We, like you, were on auto pilot.
I promise, it gets better! Now that my girls are a little older, their personalities are really established and they're more interactive, I've finally bonded with them like I've wanted too. It took about 10 months though. I hate it because I hear and read about this incredible bonding that happens the moment babies are born and although I think I got a little bit of that, I know I didn't get it as much as most. Like I said though, it gets better. One thing that has helped me is spending time alone with each girl. If all 4 of us are home and I want to run to the store, I'll just take one of them. It's great because I can pretend I only have one baby and I'm able to focus only on her. Sometimes I'll put one to bed a half hour earlier than the other so I get a little alone time with her. Little things like that, over time, have really helped.
Sorry for the novel, but this post really hit home because I know EXACTLY how you feel. No thrown stones coming from me because I'd be a huge hypocrite!
Oh and I'm so not a newborn-type girl either. I like babies a lot better when they are more interactive.
I felt like this with Charlotte. I realized it was just a form of post pardom that I was going through, but I did not realize it until after looking back. It is totally normal, especially because Treyson has been a part of your life everyday and you have so much of a relationship with him, it will change and be such a special bond. I promise :)
they seem WAYYYYY to big! what the heck!
I love when you get a picture with them both looking and smiling. Most people Truly do not know what kind of an accomplishment that really is.
and ya...it's weird how the connection/bonding with the twins takes a while. Actually the more kids you have, the bond is developed soooo differently than the first born.
the girls are still young...I want to say I started getting that bond with the twins when they were about 6+ months. Actually...when I was getting more sleep :)lol
YA. Not postpartum for me. Def. just juggling a lot and trying to find time for each individual baby while still giving Trey the attention he needed!
I've NEVER been a newborn person...until Sam was born. (never really cared that much about other people's babies, and would wrestle and play with any toddler) Sam was an angel baby and now a devil toddler and I miss those baby days. I never thought I'd say that.
You're awesome though. I can't imagine doing and staying sane. Way to go!
this was my biggest fear when i was pregnant with peyton.
with brady, i had a bond from the first ultrasound. and felt SO connected throughout the WHOLE pregnancy. with peyton, i never had a single bond with him throughout the pregnancy. its like, i cared, sure, it was my baby. but there was honestly no real love there yet. i felt no connection with him. i felt nothing like what i felt during my pregnancy with brady.
i worried that this would still be the case after he was born. everyone told me it would fall into place...and it did.
it will for you too. i promise. just in your guys' own timing. my bond with pey is SO strong now. like HUGELY strong. like *almost* more than brady, if that makes ANY sense. its so hard to describe but the bond i have with peyton is intense. the love is indescribable. and it hasnt always been there. it grew over time.
its so hard to put into words or to describe. but you will get there. dont worry about it. what you are doing is amazing, but i will add to take some time for you, and some time for trevor. i know it seems crazy, since im sure you can barely find enough time to pee, but i would definitely add those two things to your list. :)
you are doing amazing.
I don't think it's weird at all that bonding isn't coming as naturally. Since my twins were my 1st I didn't have anything to compare it to, but when I had my next baby I realized how much easier it is to bond with one. Not just because you have so much more one on one time, but because the level of work is so much less with one baby rather than 2. I can't imagine how much more work 2 babies plus a toddler is! I do think your idea of spending a few minutes with each baby a day is a great idea. I've always felt like they had such a strong bong with each other I was kind of the 3rd wheel. I don't think it's a bad thing, just a difference with having twins.
Word of warning about bonding with your children: You bond with them to the point that your hearts beat in sync; to the point that when they cry, you taste salt. And then they leave you and move to Idaho, breaking your heart. Then bonding becomes painful and quite possibly overrated.
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